I had an interesting thought a while back and yes I do think contrary to popular belief. I was at a tournament watching these girls and I thought, “Where does their confidence come from? At what point in their life did they realize there wasn’t anything they couldn’t do?”
Sidebar: I am a blue belt under Relson Gracie and compete in Jiu Jitsu tournaments in Ohio, Texas and California.
Most of us before of the age of 7 or so truly believe we can do anything. That is why children are so talented at everything they try. They’ve never done anything so they don’t realize they cannot do it. Then as they get older something changes and there isn’t that belief they can do anything. So they fall into two groups, the ones who do believe and the ones who don’t.
For many who know me my next statement will be surprising but for a few it will not: I AM NOT THE MOST CONFIDENT PERSON. I continually doubt my intelligence, my ability on and off the mat and my choices I have made. According to most friends and family I am very intelligent, I am a skilled jiu jitsu practitioner, and everyone makes mistakes so deal with it.
But for me that is not the case. Failure can never be an option and yet when I do make mistakes I breakdown. I feel like the ceiling and walls are closing in on me. There is a pressure within me that will explode any moment and then it passes, but it happens again and again. And every time it happens my confidence get smaller and smaller.
I know most of this comes from losing the one person who believed I could do anything at a very young age. Once he was gone so was my self-esteem and confidence. It has taken me a long time to get where I am today and it will take an even longer time to make it to where I want to be. But I’m not alone, thanks to several new friends here in Austin I can be anything and do anything; I just need to believe.
We are with you 110%! I feel the same way (mistake = breakdown) a lot of the time.
ReplyDeleteI am trying to learn that there is a difference between outward and inward success, between competition performance as a diagnostic tool and as a metric of my personal worth. It's not easy.
Thanks for being there for me as a training partner and friend. :)
It is hard road to travel but the best part I learned from this experience is we are not alone. No matter how much we think we are; we aren't. Everyone doubts themselves and it is the ones who can admit it that are stronger for it.
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