Change

Some one told me once, “ You don’t like change, do you?”   I had to stop and think about that for a minute but the truth is I don’t mind change.  I don’t love it either but change for a lack for a better word is good.  If I didn’t like change I would not have relocated from Cleveland, Ohio to Austin, Texas. 

I had lived in Cleveland all of my life minus the year I lived in Washington, DC after graduating college.  After being laid off from my job of 14 years, unable to find work in Ohio and having the desire to obtain a black belt in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and compete at a higher level I packed up my belongings and moved to Austin. 

Now being here in Austin, it feels like my life is in constant motion.  Like a wave bouncing me from one place to the next.  Especially in the past couple weeks.  From having to move from where I’m currently living, relocating my office and changes at the academy; I’m struggling to hold on to my sanity and keep a routine. 

Ah yes, my routine.  Okay I have to admit I don’t like it when I have to change my routine.  I am a slave to it.  I love the structure and organization to it all.  Something my life has been lacking since moving to Austin; which could be a good thing. 

But like I just wrote change is good and it is healthy and part of the normal growing process.  We need change.  That is how we adapt and grow as a person.  If we cannot adept to change we will die.   Some of the strongest people I know have over come incredible odds to achieve their goals.   They’ve had one obstacle after another placed in their way yet they’ve always had this, ‘If they can do it so can I’, attitude.

The next few months will present many changes not only for me personally but also professionally.  Even though this will be a challenging time I look forward to the change. 

Confidence

I had an interesting thought a while back and yes I do think contrary to popular belief.  I was at a tournament watching these girls and I thought, “Where does their confidence come from?  At what point in their life did they realize there wasn’t anything they couldn’t do?”

Sidebar:  I am a blue belt under Relson Gracie and compete in Jiu Jitsu tournaments in Ohio, Texas and California.

Most of us before of the age of 7 or so truly believe we can do anything.  That is why children are so talented at everything they try.  They’ve never done anything so they don’t realize they cannot do it.   Then as they get older something changes and there isn’t that belief they can do anything.  So they fall into two groups, the ones who do believe and the ones who don’t.

For many who know me my next statement will be surprising but for a few it will not:  I AM NOT THE MOST CONFIDENT PERSON.  I continually doubt my intelligence, my ability on and off the mat and my choices I have made.  According to most friends and family I am very intelligent, I am a skilled jiu jitsu practitioner, and everyone makes mistakes so deal with it. 

But for me that is not the case.  Failure can never be an option and yet when I do make mistakes I breakdown. I feel like the ceiling and walls are closing in on me.  There is a pressure within me that will explode any moment and then it passes, but it happens again and again.  And every time it happens my confidence get smaller and smaller.

I know most of this comes from losing the one person who believed I could do anything at a very young age.  Once he was gone so was my self-esteem and confidence.  It has taken me a long time to get where I am today and it will take an even longer time to make it to where I want to be.   But I’m not alone, thanks to several new friends here in Austin I can be anything and do anything; I just need to believe.

Beginings

I don't know why I've decided to write a blog.  I guess there are so many things on my mind lately and Facebook or email just isn't the way to talk about it.  My goal with this blog is only to post once a week or so.  But don't be fooled this blog is more for me than anyone else.  I hope it is uplifting and inspiring and if not...well you know what you can do.


As Always....

Rebecca Lee